Our lives revolve around many people. When we interact with people, there is a give and take of some energy; could be positive or negative. This is usually done via comments, expressions, attitudes, and sometimes silence. Often in very close relationships, we tend to criticize people more often than we praise them. In fact; in some instances the criticism is ongoing.. continuously for each and every act or comment. Sometimes we hold a particular person responsible for our failures or lack of happiness and satisfaction in our lives. This criticism or constant blame game can be termed as rackets. This kind of an attitude is called running a racket on a particular person. It could be one of your parents, your child, your sibling, your husband/wife or your partner. In some cases even a colleague.
4. Win/Lose :
Winning is always a matter of life and death for some people. Such people can never believe they lost a battle, or a war of words. The need to win makes them demoralise and demotivate others around them. These rackets can be identified in families where the oldest man of the house generally insults and subjugates those younger than him.
What are the costs of these rackets? What do we lose?
1. Love & Affinity : Is it possible to sustain a loving relationship with the person who runs these rackets on you? How would it be possible to expect the person whom you are constantly trying to justify yourself to, prove yourself right to, dominate or win; to be able to love you?
The result is that person may try and avoid being close to you, if not physically then certainly emotionally.
2. Vitality & Well being. We tend to feel bad about ourself after we say hurtful things to others. We feel good when we make others feel good.
3. Self Expression. We can not express our innermost thoughts as these are in conflict with our current point of views. We tend to make a judgement and then stick by it resulting in inability to express our doubts and fears or a contrarian view. Or if we do agree on something with the person whom we are running a racket on; we oppose for the sake of opposing.
4. Satisfaction/Fulfilment. The running of rackets is a constant phenomenon. If we were to be satisfied with passing a comment, or criticising a particular aspect; we would stop and the racket would end there. Obviously, we never experience the feeling of satisfaction or fulfilment by running a racket.
Identifying our rackets is the first step towards their elimination. Try and think with every interaction with your loved ones whether this is your racket or are you saying what you are meaning? Be rational in relationships; especially the close ones.
This kind of a racket or multiple rackets take over your life. What do you gain from running such rackets on the people that are important to you? These are termed as payoffs.. these payoffs tend to become a habit.
Payoffs :
1. To prove ourself right and the other person wrong.
It is not always that the other person is wrong and we can not be right always. But we tend to believe that that is such a case. WE are always right and THEY are always wrong. We constantly try to prove this to ourselves and others.
2. To dominate/avoid domination :
We tend to dominate others by running rackets on them. To constantly be able to dictate to them or to avoid their domination. They could be in a position to dominate us, by virtue of being older , senior, more intelligent or just more capable. The only way to avoid their domination is by constantly negating their positives and proving they are not what they are.
3. Justify Ourselves/Invalidate others :
We could hold an opinion or a point of view which we have expressed and now we are bound by this opinion. We can't change our opinion without looking foolish; can we? So we constantly justify ourselves and invalidate others.
Payoffs :
1. To prove ourself right and the other person wrong.
It is not always that the other person is wrong and we can not be right always. But we tend to believe that that is such a case. WE are always right and THEY are always wrong. We constantly try to prove this to ourselves and others.
2. To dominate/avoid domination :
We tend to dominate others by running rackets on them. To constantly be able to dictate to them or to avoid their domination. They could be in a position to dominate us, by virtue of being older , senior, more intelligent or just more capable. The only way to avoid their domination is by constantly negating their positives and proving they are not what they are.
3. Justify Ourselves/Invalidate others :
We could hold an opinion or a point of view which we have expressed and now we are bound by this opinion. We can't change our opinion without looking foolish; can we? So we constantly justify ourselves and invalidate others.
4. Win/Lose :
Winning is always a matter of life and death for some people. Such people can never believe they lost a battle, or a war of words. The need to win makes them demoralise and demotivate others around them. These rackets can be identified in families where the oldest man of the house generally insults and subjugates those younger than him.
What are the costs of these rackets? What do we lose?
1. Love & Affinity : Is it possible to sustain a loving relationship with the person who runs these rackets on you? How would it be possible to expect the person whom you are constantly trying to justify yourself to, prove yourself right to, dominate or win; to be able to love you?
The result is that person may try and avoid being close to you, if not physically then certainly emotionally.
2. Vitality & Well being. We tend to feel bad about ourself after we say hurtful things to others. We feel good when we make others feel good.
3. Self Expression. We can not express our innermost thoughts as these are in conflict with our current point of views. We tend to make a judgement and then stick by it resulting in inability to express our doubts and fears or a contrarian view. Or if we do agree on something with the person whom we are running a racket on; we oppose for the sake of opposing.
4. Satisfaction/Fulfilment. The running of rackets is a constant phenomenon. If we were to be satisfied with passing a comment, or criticising a particular aspect; we would stop and the racket would end there. Obviously, we never experience the feeling of satisfaction or fulfilment by running a racket.
Identifying our rackets is the first step towards their elimination. Try and think with every interaction with your loved ones whether this is your racket or are you saying what you are meaning? Be rational in relationships; especially the close ones.
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